Ashes to Ashes, We All Fall Down (8/8)
Title: Ashes to Ashes, We All Fall Down (8/8)
Author: holycloud
Pairing: Frank/Gerard
POV: Third, Frank-centered.
Rating: R
Disclaimer: I don’t own Frank and Gerard. They own me.
Summary: AU. Frank is 16, Gerard 21. I suck on summaries, you see.
Author notes: First fic I've written. And my first language is Spanish so I hope you don’t hate it. It’s divided in three parts.
First act it's We've Got Innocence For Days, Chapters 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14.
Second, Everybody Burns the House Right Down, Chapters 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12.
Special thanks to my made-of-awesome beta lifeinreverie for doing the hard work of beta'ing me.
Warnings: This contains abuse and self harming, and sex.

Ashes to Ashes, We All Fall Down (1/8).
Ashes to Ashes, We All Fall Down (2/8).
Ashes to Ashes, We All Fall Down (3/8).
Ashes to Ashes, We All Fall Down (4/8).
Ashes to Ashes, We All Fall Down (5/8).
Ashes to Ashes, We All Fall Down (6/8).
Ashes to Ashes, We All Fall Down (7/8).



Chapter Eight

The storm raged outside the house. The sound of the rain hitting the roof was as loud as the blowing wind. Yet, in the bathroom, the silence remained and drifted between the two, and broken only by the single droplet that fell from the closed faucet into the calm, steady water in the tub. Despite the fact that there were no lights, the steam rising from the hot water could be seen in the air.
Frank was lying in the tub, fully dressed, while Gerard was clad in boxers, hunched over Frank and hugging him as the hot water covered them both.

“Ask me,” Gerard spoke, placing his chin on Frank’s shoulder, and looking to his eyes in the dark. His voice echoed in the bathroom.

“Ask about what?” Frank looked back at him and caressed his hair.

“Whatever you want to know, I’ll answer. I know you don’t ask about a lot of things because you don’t want to bother me—and I really appreciate it— but you treat me like I’m a bomb in a suitcase,” he laughed a little and rested his head on Frank’s shoulder again, “And maybe I deserve it.”

“It’s not about me asking, babe.”

“Babe?”

“I know, I’m sorry,” Frank apologized, realizing he had used the nickname he had given him as his lover, “I’m just used to saying it.”

“It’s okay. It’s just that…we’re not okay—yet.”

That single phrase made Frank’s heart beat faster. There was a chance for them. Gerard was different, but somehow they’d make it. He wasn’t going to let Gerard leave his house without him knowing something.

“I don’t particularly enjoy not talking to you. I never did. But you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You still are the best thing that happens to me. Telling you all that stuff and more, I didn’t want you tainted by my messed up life. I was scared that I’d break you...I don’t know how to explain”

Silence again, at least until Frank spoke.

“That was stupid, huh, both of us keeping things to ourselves to protect the other. We just ended up hurting each other.”

Gerard didn’t answer that, so after a long silence between them, Frank finally spoke again.

“We’d better get out of the tub. The water’s getting cold.” They stepped out of it and Frank reached for the towels. “Go to my room and pick some dry clothes from the closet. I’ll clean up in here and I’ll be with you in a few.”

“Okay.”

Frank started to strip himself, taking off his soaked clothes.
He heard Gerard crash into something on his way to Frank’s room, and it made him smile. Gerard knew Frank’s home, but he wasn’t as used to it as Frank and was unable to walk around in the dark.
Frank dried himself off and sat on the edge of the tub, his mind racing. Something was going on with Gerard. Would they end up together? He wanted to, but Gerard was, again, acting strangely.

He said he was sorry, that he couldn’t take it any longer, but still never asked him to be his boyfriend again, which was the first thing that Gerard should have done in that state. He should have held on to Frank, not letting him breathe, kissing all of his face, and asking to be together again.
Or maybe, Frank didn’t know him that well.

With his heart about to explode, Frank made his way to his room. He entered, unable to see a thing. The night was dark, there was no moonlight, and light could barely enter from outside since the electricity was off everywhere.

“Gerard?”

“I’m here.” Frank heard him sit on the bed. He went to his closet, picked out some clothes and put them on, leaving the towel that was covering him at the chair in front of his desk, and— he didn’t know what else to do.

“Why don’t you get in bed?”

“I want to talk.”

“So do I, but let’s talk in bed. I’m starting to freeze,” Frank declared honestly.

“Are you sure? I don’t think—”

“Gerard, we have slept in bed together a million times. I’m not sleeping on the couch, and neither are you. We won’t do anything; we’ll just talk, and then sleep.”

Was Gerard afraid of Frank taking advantage of him? Frank had to admit that he was fighting against the impulse of jumping his ‘ex’ boyfriend, and kissing and seducing him.

They slept in Frank’s room only when Gerard had dinner there, but they never had sex under Linda’s roof, in spite of her encouraging them to do so. They preferred Gerard’s place since it was more intimate. But he loved to sleep with Gerard in his bed. It was a single bed, unlike Gerard’s. So they were touching the entire night, one way or the other, close to each other, and of course, sleeping in that bed the night after with Gerard’s scent lingering, was wonderful.

Frank heard Gerard turn and followed. They were so close, and Frank wondered if Gerard was feeling the same as him. If his heart and mind were in shock, if he was nervous.

They both got under the blankets, facing each other. Frank could feel Gerard’s face near his, but the darkness didn’t let him see.

“Okay, talk,” Frank ordered gently. He held both his hands to his chest. He wanted to touch Gerard, to touch his face, to caress his wet hair but he knew it was not the time.

Gerard cleared his throat, and begun:

“You know— I had a horrible week, and I know that it was my fault. I suffered a lot, Frank. Everyday, I tried to distract myself so I didn’t do anything harmful to myself, my paintings… I wanted to come here to ask you to forgive me. You don’t deserve that.”

Frank’s eyes were glassy and threatening to overflow with tears, he thanked God it was dark and that Gerard couldn’t see him.

“I don’t deserve what, babe?” Despite his attempts at holding back, he let go of one of his hands and started caressing Gerard’s wet hair.

He breathed hard as he felt the sensation of Frank’s touch, but didn’t say anything about it. He continued talking.

“You deserve someone better than me. Frank— I’ve been thinking a lot. I’ve been trying not to let my emotions make me act in a way that I don’t want to. That’s how I’ve always been. Angry, sad, depressed, hateful… we both know I’m too emotional. For the first time, I could do that, Frank, I could think clearly.”

Frank was growing nervous listening to the speech. Gerard was speaking quietly, as though he were sad. It scared Frank. They were supposed to end up together, right? It was the reason why he’d come in the middle of a storm at 2 o’clock in the morning. What was the purpose of it if they weren’t meant to be?

“And what did you think about?” Frank gathered his courage to ask.

“I wanted to know—if you can—if you’ll forgive me, not for breaking up with you, but for all the bad things you went through because of my troubles.”

“You have nothing to apologize for. I love you, and I’ve been with you because I wanted to, not because you forced me. You want me to forgive you for that? You don’t want us to be together?” Frank asked, trying to keep his voice steady, without cracking and revealing his emotions.

“I do. You are everything I could ever want, Frank. But I’m not what you need.”

“Gerard-”

“No, let me finish. I’m a mess of person, and I know that. You don’t deserve that, you’re too good for me. But I can’t help being selfish and wanting you for me.”

Frank bit his lower lip, as his hand now started caressing Gerard’s face.

“Frank-”

“What? I’m just touching you, that’s all.”

“I’m trying to be serious.”

“I’m serious too.” He answered, trying to come off as honest. He was melting with every one of Gerard’s words. He was listening carefully, and he had a lot to say too, but he wanted to know what Gerard had in his twisted head.

“I want to start all over, Frank. I want to be the person you deserve. I want to change and I’ll do it for you if you give me the chance.”

“But I don’t want you to change,” Frank said, coyly, “I fell in love with the Gerard you are. What if you change and I don’t like you the way you turn out. It’s stupid, Gerard.”

“What I am hurts you.”

“No, Gerard. What hurts me is seeing you hurt, or you hurting yourself. You don’t have to be another person to be better. You have to try to resolve the things that hurt you, so you can live peacefully, and I’d love to be there to help you.”

Gerard grew silent.

“I’m not rational, Frank; I’m too emotional, that’s not right.”

Frank laughed at that.

“It’s what I love the most about you!” And he brought their bodies closer, pressing his forehead to Gerard’s. “There’s nothing bad about that. It’s beautiful, you’re beautiful, babe. And you’re right, I don’t deserve you. You are too good for me. But I’m selfish as well, and I want you for me, and only me. I won’t let you go, no matter how hard you try to leave me, and I won’t let you stop being yourself. You don’t get it Gerard, you can’t see all the good things you are. You’re such a beautiful person, and if you can’t see all that— have you heard that saying ‘if you don’t love yourself then you can’t love anyone else?’”

“But I do love you,” Gerard stated.

“But you suffer, because you don’t believe that I love you. You need to stop suffering, honey. Nothing is troubling you but yourself. Everything is okay, babe.”

And he placed a soft kiss against Gerard’s lips and he could feel him crying.

“Your parents are not here. Andre is not here. You are not crazy, you went through a hell of a lot of bad things, but you are not alone anymore and if you say that you love me, let me love you and make you happy. Give me, the chance of giving you better days and in order for me to do that, you have to let yourself be happy.”

Gerard burst into tears. “It’s too damn hard!”

“I know, I know… but you’ll see. Everything is going to be fine. I promise you, just trust me.”

And their lips met once more, but in a deep and desperate kiss, and Frank took his chance to lie atop Gerard.

They kissed desperately for minutes, until Frank started to take off Gerard’s sweatshirt.

“Frank, we should wait—”

“No, I don’t want to, and you don’t want to either.”

“You’re damn right,” Gerard growled as he took off his sweatshirt himself. “We never did it here.”

“Don’t worry. Mom won’t be back till tomorrow.”

They slept together, passionately making up the days that they didn’t even see each other, all the separation, desperation and fear that had accumulated beginning to diminish now that they were together, ready to face whatever would come.


*

As Frank liked, they were constantly touching on his bed, and making love there had been just as great. It wasn’t make-up sex. It was as though they hadn’t fought at all. Frank was on his side facing the wall, and Gerard was behind him, hugging him. The warmth of their naked bodies was comfortable. Frank wanted to be like that forever.

“May I ask?”

“About what?” Gerard asked.

“You said I could ask whatever I wanted. You said you would answer. May I?”

“Sure, sweetie,” Gerard replied, placing a kiss to his cheek.

“Why him?” He asked, growing serious, as thunder roared outside their window. The rain had gradually grown softer and the sound was barely audible, but the thunder could still be heard.

Gerard took a deep breath. He held himself closer to Frank, trying to be as cool as he could before he started speaking.

“At school I was the weird guy and nobody liked me that much. Then this man just suddenly appeared with this…enchanting voice. He liked me just as much as he liked this other boy, but I had talent. I had all my paintings, so he worked harder to get to me. He was a friend of my art professor, and one day, he came to see our work. He liked mine the best. I was too depressed to realize why he was so intent on getting me. My grandmother had just passed away, and I was living all alone for the first time, taking care of myself while being quite young. I missed the only person who truly loved me. His compliments made me feel good. It wasn’t all bad. At the beginning I was like a little girl in love. He’d come home to flirt with me, I’d do the same with him and I was happy. Me—a creep—had all the attention of this very fine man. It was all nice, until we started having sex. That was when our secret meetings started to make me nervous.”

“Why didn’t you leave him?”

“Because I couldn’t, he became my world. According to him, nobody understood me as well as he did, and nobody would love me but him. I was too complicated. And I believed him.”

“You still believe some of that…”

“I guess. At first it was all fine, but after a few months the relationship tormented me, whether I was with him or not. He stole my work, and I was so depressed that I didn’t care, but once I found him at my place with another guy. He blamed me for being fucked up, and for acting strangely those last few months. I don’t know what it was that convinced me to try to kill myself. I don’t know if it was the thought of losing him—the only thing I thought I had—or to put an end to that relationship that made me so sad.”

When he had finished, Frank didn’t know what to say. To break the ice, he changed the subject.

“You talked about your grandmother in the magazine.”

“Yeah- My parents sent me to live with her when I was ten, because I burned our house down.” Said his.. boyfriend? “For I burned my house down, you see..” He added.

“Yeah, I know. Mikey told me.”

“Okay then.” Gerard answered coolly “She was the black sheep of the family. She was in love with this man who worked in a music store. She always talked about how shiny the instruments were and how well all the pianos were tuned. He taught her to play. Her family wasn’t very rich, and they wanted to marry her with my grandfather. She got married, but she never stopped her relationship with Sebastian— that was his name—and the family hated her for it. He was sent to war and was killed. She mourned him ever since. His other lover left her the shop that she continued running against the family’s will until she got old and tired and sold it. She left the money to Mikey and me. More of it went to me than Mikey since she had the feeling that my parents weren’t going to leave me anything. She sang me the lullaby I sang you once, remember?”

“Not the lyrics… but,” Frank’s voice filled the silence along with the rain and storm, humming the song.

“That’s the one,” Gerard laughed, “I was very happy with her…she died when I was fifteen. We lived in poverty…my grandfather’s revenge. He didn’t leave her any money, giving it all to my father instead. My father wasn’t fond of her either, so we were all living off what Sebastian had left. She encouraged me to paint and my first painting was of a black dress…one off her many black dresses.”
I didn’t tell my parents she had died since they would bury her in the family’s plot at the cemetery. I made the arrangements to have her buried by Sebastian. I was alone at her funeral.”

“That’s very sad. I was shocked when I read that she died when you turned fifteen. I thought you were older when she passed away, all that time you spent being alone— how did you get the money? You weren’t even eighteen…”

“She had cancer. At the hospital she met a mother who had a sick child and she was poor and could not pay for his treatment. My grandmother offered to pay it, if she could leave the money to her so I could take it from her account once she had died.”

“That was very risky…”

“It was… but she saved her son, and honestly, she never touched a cent of the money she left us, once the treatment for her son was paid for. She was a good woman. She is, I think.”

“But you’re getting richer now, so now that Sebastian’s money is running out you’ll be okay…”

Gerard laughed. It seemed to be alright for him to talk about her. He seemed to love her a lot.

“Yeah.”

Frank held him tightly and asked.

“We are okay, right?” He just had to know.

“We will be.” Gerard pressed his lips against Frank’s. “And you will be there to make me happy.”